Manipulation
by tofu-rox
Summary: When a new girl with a drug dealer father comes to the Palm Woods, she agrees to help Kendall get with Logan, using the most effective method she can: jealousy.
1. Chapter 1

"Clarissa," My dad called to me from down the hallway of our cramped apartment. I pulled an earplug out of my ear and slinked my way down the hall to my dad's room. Crumpled dollar bills, along with pouches of white powder and bottles of multi-colored pills littered the floor of his disorganized room, "You're staying at the Palm Woods until I can find a stable job." I rolled my eyes. The Palm Woods was a fancy hotel complex not too far from here. Ironic how close the slums were to the 'high and mighty' other side.

"And you can afford this how?" I asked bluntly, folding my arms across my chest. Dad glanced at the pills and powder on the floor, muttering curses I could barely hear.

"New supply?" I sighed. My dad was a drug dealer, being in and out of jail since my whore of a mother got pregnant with me. I rolled my eyes. I hated this life, maybe going somewhere new for a while would be good, "I can't believe you graduated college. . ." I muttered mostly to myself.

"It'll only be for a while, I promise," Last time he promised that was when I was seven, nearly nine years ago, when we moved here. Now don't get me wrong, for being an alcoholic drug dealer whose wife left him after she gave birth to his depressive only child, he was actually caring; when he wasn't passed out drunk or selling addictive shit to scumbags who needed to just drop dead and stop wasting oxygen, he wanted the best for me. And leaving him was, inevitably, the best, "The reservation is for six months."

"Sure, whatever you say. When am I leaving?"

"Tomorrow, its about an hour bus ride, and I left a reservation under 'Hans White'," He explained casually. Hans White was his pseudonym for anything legal he had to get involved in, and 'Hans White' was also, in several cases, my 'father'. As soon as I was old enough to understand, he made me memorize my fake identity so I could recite it on command at any given moment, just in case. Deception was often the easiest way to get by. I'd fit in perfectly in Hollywood.

"All right, I'll go pack." With that I stood up and went back to my room, grabbing my cell phone and stuffing a suitcase full of clothes and other necessities. Dad gave me a large handful of cash, which I later counted up to be close to three hundred dollars. Damn, he may be working illegal shit, but he makes a good pay.

"And Clarissa?" He coughed, avoiding my gaze, "I'm sorry this has been so hard on you. Don't forget that I love you." My heart nearly stopped. His voice was crisp and clear, no slur or other indication to suggest he wasn't completely sober. I felt tears in my eyes. No, damn it, this is no time to get soft!

"Dad. . . The last time you told me that, you were drunk on Vodka and high off Adderall," I reminisced, tears stinging behind my mascara-caked eyelashes, "I love you too."

(The next day, Palm Woods, Kendall's POV)

We were all racing to the elevator, slightly damp from our poolside afternoon. Carlos' hockey helmet was perched lightly over his spiky black hair. James was combing his hair back with his black comb he carried everywhere, and Logan was just staring off into space, looking adorable. No, I wasn't gay. Just bisexual. I had know for years; while I had had a few girlfriends over time, including Jo, who broke up with me a couple months back, I had had a crush on Logan for years. But I was never brave enough to tell anyone, _especially_ not Logan.

"Kendall," Logan's voice broke over the rest of the noise in the elevator, "Quit spacing out! Keep it up and there's going to be an increase in the likelihood that you've gotten yourself high." I rolled my eyes.

"You know I'm not," I argued. Carlos cut in the conversation before either of us could say anything else.

"C'mon you guys, let's stop talking about drugs and start talking about one thing we all love!" He laughed, but I sensed a shadow of worry looming in his voice.

"I'm not high," I assured him. We never talked about drugs much, but whenever we did, Carlos would get defensive and tense up. We never asked about it, Carlos just weren't the type of person to go blabbing about his past. It's ironic, really, because now he always say what's on his mind. "Anyway, it's getting late." I commented, glancing at my watch, my eyes darting over to Logan for a split second before I did. I felt some heat rise to my cheeks as I saw him looking over at me. He was really handsome, really cute, and hot _damn_ I just wanted to push him up against the elevator wall and make out with him, but I restrained myself.

"Yeah, we should be getting back to our room for a . . ." James chanted of my comment.

"MOVIE NIGHT!" We all shouted, the shouts melting into laughter as the elevator door glided open to the second floor of the Palm Woods, along with a girl none of us had seen before, wearing a red and grey plaid skirt overtop a pair of baggy black jeans, and a plain black tee shirt. Her hair was dyed blue.

"What's this I hear about a movie night?" She laughed sarcastically. James pushed past me to stand in front of the girl, smiling flirtatiously. James held out his hand to her, and she took it, a small blush coloring her pale cheeks, "I'm Clarissa." She introduced herself and smiled through black lipstick.

"I'm James," James smiled back, finally letting their hands drop.

"Carlos," He nodded, pushing his helmet down on his head before taking Clarissa's hand. He was always braver with his helmet on, always a little bit more secure. Clarissa studied him for a minute before asking,

"Do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar. What's your last name?"

"Garcia," He answered. The new girl's face went pale.

"Your. . . Dad wouldn't happen to be a police officer, would he?" Carlos nodded, not seeing the relevance of her question. Maybe Clarissa knew someone he arrested, I thought. Her next comment dismissed the thought, however.

"Yeah, okay. I saw an article in the newspaper about him once," She said with a blank face. I wondered vaguely if she was lying, but I brushed off the thought.

"I'm Kendall," I finally cut in, giving her a bright smile and taking her hand. I studied her face for a second, trying not to seem like I was staring. She was actually quite pretty, and her eyes held dark shadows I could've sworn I had seen before but couldn't for the life of me remember where. Clarissa blushed again, a small shade darker than before.

"Cool," She smiled. Finally, Logan stepped up, introducing himself lightly before turning back to James and the rest of us.

"So, what room are you staying in?" James asked.

"2K," She answered, looking down at her room key.

"Ours is room 2J!" Carlos piped up. Clarissa smiled.

"Cool, so I guess we'll be neighbors," She stated the obvious. Our two apartments were right next to each other, "Now if you don't mind-" She gestured to her bags "-I'd like to unpack."

"Sure," James nodded, "Erm-" He turned to the rest of us "-would you like to come over to our room afterwards to, you know, watch a movie and stuff?" She thought for a moment before answering.

"Sure, sounds like fun! What're we watching?" She asked.

"Fashion Stars Two, return of the Fashionettes," James answered, while a chorus of disapproving jeers burst from behind him.

"How about. . . a hockey movie?" I suggested.

"No, something fun! Like. . . Like, cartoons!" Carlos chirped.

"Uh, no," Logan argued, jeering at Carlos' suggestion, "Something educational." Which then devolved into Carlos and Logan getting into a childish cat fight. Clarissa laughed.

"Well, I got some DVDs, so if you can't decide on anything, I'll choose," She chimed in.

"Okay, cool," I replied, smacking Carlos and Logan upside the head.

"So, see you soon!" And she turned to leave, James staring at her, studying her figure as Logan would study a textbook. He seemed to have quite the crush on her...


	2. Movie NightHatching a Plan

**(Author's Note: In the first chapter, Clarissa made up the part about reading the article on Carlos' dad)**

**I own nothing except Clarissa and her Dad. Does everything seem in character to you?**

(Clarissa's POV)

About fifteen minutes after I had settled in, my cell phone rang out. I checked the Caller ID to see it was my Dad, from the same pay phone he always used after he was finished with his 'work'.

"Hey, Dad," I answered the call dully. There was loud bar music and the sound of someone singing at the top of their lungs, obviously roaring drunk. From there it was a short conversation, Dad made sure I got to the Palm Woods okay, and assured me he hadn't been arrested yet. I decided to wait off on telling him I met Officer Garcia's son, Carlos. Officer Garcia was the man who usually arrested my dad for his drug dealing. By now, he had been arrested so many times he was on a first-name basis with most of the people in the police station, even the new recruits. Luckily, none of them knew of his alias as Hans White, so in everyday society he could function semi-normally.

"Oh, sorry Clarissa, I have to go," He announced suddenly, but I wasn't surprised: He often had to leave without warning. I heard some shuffling in the background before the line went dead. I sunk back into my bed for a minute, closing my eyes and taking in the silence. After only a minute of soaking up all the silence, I rolled myself off the bed and next to my suitcase, which I began digging through for a DVD I could watch with the boys. I had a few options, most of which I had stolen from the movie store, some I actually paid for.

The ones I had stolen were all R-rated, seeing as Dad was in jail at the time so he couldn't have bought them for me. I laughed at how calm and casual I seemed when I thought about it, as if this sort of thing was normal for people. I knew it wasn't, I knew it was so far out that not many people could really capture how someone can become twisted enough to do all those things without thinking twice about it. But I was a fairly twisted person.

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock at the door. I gathered a handful of movies and opened the door to see two of the four boys I met earlier waiting expectantly; Kendall and James. They didn't bother to say anything, they just grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to their apartment.

"Kidnapping, much?" I joked as I sat down on the bright orange couch, "So, did you guys decide on a movie?" James handed me a bowl full of popcorn, which I munched on cheerfully. By the black television screen, I decided the answer was no, "Well, no worries, I brought movies." I held up the DVDs and waved them around. Carlos and Logan, who were sitting on the floor, scrambled up to look at the movies I had brought.

After a good half-hour of debating, we settled on a Japanese horror film. We were all situated on and around the couch. Kendall was seated beside Logan, his arm slung around the back of his chair, almost touching the smaller boy's shoulder. I didn't find it odd, their mannerisms told me they were all very close emotionally, so a little physical contact never meant much in a sexual way. But something about it tipped me off to something, I'm not entirely sure what. I studied them for a minute or so, while James was up getting more popcorn and Carlos was off getting his hockey helmet, which he claimed he needed to face the 'scary parts'.

It occurred to me then what it was that was tipping me off: a faint, nearly invisible pink-red blush was brushed on Kendall's cheeks as Logan sat beside him. As far as I could tell, however, Logan had no similar reaction. _'Poor Kendall,'_ I thought to myself.

Just then, James came back with the popcorn and Carlos with his helmet, so I popped in the DVD and pressed play. While the trailers were playing, a middle-aged woman with straight brown hair, and a young girl with big, brown eyes came into the apartment. Judging from their looks, they were related to Kendall. Speaking of Kendall, he paused the DVD player as soon as his mother walked into the room.

"Oh, hey Mom," He stood up, and gestured for me to follow, "This is the new girl, Clarissa. Is it all right if she stays for dinner and our movie night?" He asked._ 'Wait, dinner- what? Oh whatever, just pretend you expected that.'_ I looked at her hopefully, and James appeared behind the blonde boy and added:

"Besides, Mrs. Knight, she's already here," Quickly before she could protest. The woman glanced over at me, a little leery.

"Sure," She replied after a minute, "That is, if your parents are all right with it." I just shrugged.

"Yeah, Dad's working right now, but he said I could do whatever I wanted as long as I don't wind up in jail," I replied as casually as if I were making a comment about the weather. Wrong words, I realized after Kendall's mom looked even more hesitant to let me stay.

"Anyway," Kendall cut in to try and save me, "Mom, could you make us some dinner, please?" She nodded and turned to the kitchen.

"Thank you," I smiled to Mrs. Knight and turned back to the movie, "Okay, who wants to watch a crazy-ass Japanese horror flick?" Four hands shot up in the air.

"Let's get started!" Carlos yelped, patting his helmet down onto his head as Logan pressed play.

(After the movie)

Everyone besides me was shaking in a cold sweat as the end credits rolled down the screen. Logan was practically in Kendall's lap, not that he really minded as far as I could see, Carlos was tucked safely under a blanket and James was . . . Somewhere.

"James?" I called into another section of their apartment. Mrs. Knight and Kendall's little sister, whose name I learned was Katie, was putting lasagna on the table for us, so I decided to seek out the brunette as everyone else was calming their nerves. I asked Mrs. Knight where James' room was, and she pointed me off in the general direction. His door was closed, but the light was on, so I knocked on the door softly, and hearing a muffled scream emit from the inside, opened the door to find James sitting on his bed, knees to chest, hugging a pink pillow.

"That was freaky as shit," He muttered. I didn't mean to be insensitive, but I laughed. James looked up at me in horror, "Why are you laughing? This-" He pointed to his face "-does _not_ look good when it's freaked out!"

"Hey," I sat down on the bed beside him, "You look fine." I assured him, brushing a lock of his hair out of his face. He smiled and looked away, embarrassed.

"Thanks." We heard a knock on the door, followed by the rest of the boys coming into the room.

"Hey Jamie," Kendall teased, "You all right?"

"I'm fine," James snapped back, his voice biting, but his face softened, "Ken-doll."

"Aww, aren't you two cute?" I commented sarcastically, a blush rising to Kendall's cheeks. We heard Mrs. Knight calling all five of us for dinner, so we scurried out of the bedroom and to the kitchen. I was seated in between Kendall and James, with Carlos and Logan on either side of them, "Thanks for letting me eat with you, Mrs. Knight, it looks delicious," I complimented her, taking up a plate of the gooey lasagna.

"Of course, sweetie," She beamed as everyone helped themselves,"But I'm sure _your_ mother could do just as good a job." An ear-shattering silence filled the room at the mention of my mother. I stabbed my fork into my dinner hotly, images of the unloving bitch flashing through my mind.

"Erm," I shifted awkwardly in my seat, "My mother left us when I was little. It's just me and my dad now." Everyone seemed surprised, especially Mrs. Knight, whose face held a sheet of pity.

"Oh, I'm sorry," She apologized, "Well you're welcome to come here any time you like." She promised.

"No, I couldn't," I mumbled, taking a bite of the lasagna. She just smiled and focused her attention on the food in front of her to avoid an awkward silence.

"Did you guys get totally freaked at the movie?" Katie piped up, a wicked grin appearing at her lips.

"No, we did not," Logan protested in a smart-aleck type voice.

"You so did!" The little girl argued, "I saw James so scared he ran off into his bedroom!"

"Yes, well I think that's enough out of you," Mrs. Knight decided firmly.

While everyone else was getting ready for bed, Kendall helped me collect my DVDs. I asked him what he thought of the movie, and he said it was one of the scariest things he had ever seen in his life, but he had loved it nonetheless.

"Why?" I pried, "Because you got your boyfriend to sit on your lap?" Kendall's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to challenge my indication, but he couldn't.

"Maybe," He muttered and turned away. But he smiled again at the thought, "You're . . . not grossed out or anything, are you?" His eyebrows made an upside-down V shape as he looked up at me. It was weird, seeing as I only just met him, and I felt as if he was telling me one of his deepest secrets. Then again, I had told a whole table of near-strangers about my mother, who I hadn't talked about in years.

"Nah," I shrugged, putting my DVDs down on the couch and ushering him over to sit next to me on the floor, which he did.

"But, Logan's _not_ my boyfriend," He defended as he sat down.

"I never said he was," I cocked an eyebrow, glancing around the room to see if anyone else was there. Luckily, it was empty save for us two, "Do you want him to be?"

"I . . ." He hesitated, "Yes." I smirked mischievously.

"Then I have a plan."

**Yeah, that's all for now! But the next chapter will be up soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**I own Clarissa and her Dad, nothing else.**

(Kendall's POV, the next day at the pool)

Clarissa was waiting for me in a beach chair, clad in a plain black swimsuit and her usual pound or so of black makeup. I briefly wondered what her parents must be like to give her the freedom to express herself like that, but I remembered what she had said about her mother and dismissed the thoughts. When we made eye contact, she smiled lightly and ushered me over to sit by her.

"Do you really think this is going to work?" I asked, biting my lip nervously. She rolled her eyes.

"Well, if it doesn't, at least we can have some fun," She laughed, giving me a seductive look. Our plan was simple: to pretend to be dating to make Logan jealous and want me. Stupid and immature, we realized, but jealousy could be an effective way into someone's emotions. I hated manipulating Clarissa and Logan like this, I really hated being fake in any way, so I had almost refused when Clarissa presented the idea. However, when I saw Logan's slender body and adorable face talking nervously to one of the Jennifer's, the jealousy flaming in my stomach made me move closer to Clarissa, taking her hand in mine.

When Logan finally spotted us, he looked confused and did a short three-step jog over to our adjacent beach chairs.

"Uh, hey guys," His greeted slowly, sounded more like a confused question then the salutation his words presented, "What's going on here?" He looked from Clarissa back to me, and I plastered a sexy smile onto my face before answering.

"Oh, nothing," I teased, gripping Clarissa's hand tighter. She fit her head into the crook of my neck, blushing as she did so.

"Well, it seems likely that you two are . . ." He swallowed, a hint of hesitance in his words, as if he was hoping to be proven wrong, "dating?"

"Well, yeah," Clarissa stated dryly, as if it was no big deal to her. Logan's face fell, if only for a second. If I hadn't known him for so long, I might have missed his change in expression.

"Oh, well, okay," He shrugged, "I have to go now, anyway." He turned and left, probably to tell James and Carlos about us being in a 'relationship'. Eve after he walked away, Clarissa stayed resting on my shoulder, smiling as she watched Logan walk away. I turned to face her, and she shifted herself to a more comfortable position.

"So, you're really okay with lying like this?" I asked, my eyebrows knitted together.

"Look, Kendall," She explained, taking both my hands and looking into my eyes as she spoke, "You're incredibly sweet for trying to stay true to yourself, and Logan is going to be a damn lucky bastard when he gets to legitimately go out with you-" I blushed at her comment "-but I wasn't raised like you. I was raised in deception and manipulation. I'm perfectly fine with this."

"All right," I smiled again, and I used my peripheral vision to see if Logan was looking over at us (he was) before leaning in to kiss Clarissa on the cheek. The impact of my thin lips against her soft skin was strange. There was no spark, nothing. Just a kiss. I wondered if she felt the same nothing I did.

She must have seen Logan looking at us, because instead of being surprised, she faked a laugh and played with my hair for a minute or two, before standing up from the chair. She grabbed my hands, and tried to pull me up, and I refused playfully. She tugged harder, which got me to stand up, but unfortunately toppled both of us into the pool!

Cold, chlorinated water rushed over my head in an instant, blurring all my senses together. I had enough sense to hold my breath, and began kicking to get to the surface. The water broke and air stung my face. I shook the water off and opened my eyes to see Clarissa floating next to me, her blue hair plastered to her face, laughing genuinely bright as she swam over to the pool's edge.

"Smooth," She laughed, her laughter breaking every so often to be replaced by a cough or two. I laughed along with her. Her makeup was running down her cheeks, so as she sat on the poolside, I took a hand up to her face and wiped it off. She smiled and kissed my hand as it came close to her lips.

"Kendall!" Carlos and Logan's frantic voices flew through the air like arrows, "Are you all right?" I nodded, glancing from Clarissa to Logan.

"Clarissa!" James cried, rushing over to us, "Er, I mean-uh. . . Kendall!" He blushed, and Clarissa blushed back for a second before remembering her facade and reaching out for my hand, "What happened?"

"We fell in the pool," My 'girlfriend' stated blandly.

"Well, yeah! Even Carlos could figure that out!" Logan exclaimed, reaching out a hand to help me out of the pool. Clarissa's hand in mine was the only reminder of our act, otherwise I'm sure I would have pulled Logan down into the pool with me and smothered him with all the penned-up affection I had felt for him for so long. No, damn it, it's not time yet. Clarissa looked over at Logan, a question burning just behind her blackened lips.

"Today's Saturday, right?" She asked.

"All day," Logan nodded. A look of surprise crossed her face.

"What time is it?" Logan glanced at his watch.

"Almost eleven." Clarissa's eyes shot open wide, and she shoved herself up off the pool's edge and away from us, her suit clinging to her body, which was still dripping from the water.

"Sorry," She apologized, wrapping a towel around her waist and leaving the pool area without turning around, "I've got to go, I'll stop by later though!"

(Clarissa's POV)

I raced into the Hotel, desperately slamming the elevator button to try and get the machine to open it's doors. If Dad hadn't been arrested yet, he would be calling any minute and I _had_ to answer him. It wasn't as if he would punish me if I didn't, but he never left messages and my phone was a piece of crap, so I could never tell which number he called from, the pay phone or the police station.

Finally, the elevator doors parted and I scrambled inside, closing the door as quick as I could, though not before Kendall stepped into the elevator with me. I sighed and tapped my foot impatiently as the elevator began an uncoordinated rise to the second floor.

"Look, I don't mean to be rude, because you're really sweet and we're supposedly dating, but I'm not int he mood to talk," I expressed my detachment by brushing off his arm, which he had tried to wrap around my shoulder.

"I respect that," he smiled, "But even if we aren't officially 'dating', you're still my friend and I care about you." he assured me. I smiled half-heartedly as the elevator door slid open, and I burst through to get to my room, turning the key in the lock and opening the door just in time to see my phone buzzing on the kitchen table. Aware but apathetic to the fact Kendall was treading behind me silently, I ran over to the table and, seeing it was Dad, picked up my phone.

"Dad?" I breathed heavily, still a little out of breath from my nervous scurrying.

"Oh, Clarissa, I'm glad I caught you. I only have one phone call, so-" I interrupted him.

"Officer Garcia?" I sighed, "Dad, you need to be more careful!"

"I know, I slipped up," He faltered over his words, and I caught a slight slur in his voice.

"How intoxicated are you?"I asked bluntly, and I could almost see his eyes widening, guilt spreading across his unshaven face.

"Enough," He had always been surprisingly able for someone totally drunk.

"Fine, I'll pay bail first thing tomorrow. But we can't let this keep happening," I sighed again.

"I know sweetie, I lo-"

"Save it until the booze wear off," I cut him short, clicking the phone shut before my dad could finish his sentence. I turned to Kendall, who was standing in the doorway with his arms folded across his chest, looking confused as well as concerned, "Well, I have good news, bad news, worse news and horrible news."

"Bad news first," Kendall replied immediately.

"Bad news is there's no good news," I flashed a small smile before continuing, "Worse news, my dad was arrested. . . again," I hesitated before adding the last word, "And the horrible news? Carlos' dad was the one who arrested him." Kendall's mouth hung open.

**And end chapter Three.**

**What did you think?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**I own Clarissa and her Dad**

(Logan's POV, back in the apartment)

My phone buzzed a couple minutes after Carlos, James and I had settled back into our apartment. It was Kendall's ring, I recognized immediately. I blushed a little as I answered the phone.

"Hey Kendall," I greeted, the smile in my voice sounding through the phone receiver. The person on the other line, however, was not Kendall.

"It's Clarissa, actually," Kendall's girlfriend replied, and I glared at her through the phone, knowing she couldn't see it. I had nothing against her, I just didn't think it was the smartest idea for Kendall to be dating a girl he just met, who James had an obvious crush on, and who evidentially had a somewhat messed-up family.

"Oh, hey Clarissa," I tried to keep my voice at least a little cheery, but her voice seemed a little strained, as if she was worried about something, "Is everything all right?"

"Well, not really. Is it all right if I come over to your apartment for a little while?" She admitted, and I glanced around the apartment, spotting Mrs. Knight trying to convince Katie to wear a rather hideous lacy, pink dress.

"Hey, Mrs. Knight," I called over to her, tucking the phone down on my shoulder, "Can Clarissa come over?" Mrs. Knight smiled and replied with a cheery '_Of course,'_

"So is that a yes?" I heard Clarissa ask hopefully from the phone receiver.

"Yeah, come on over."

"Thanks!" And with that, the phone line went dead. Not a minute later, we heard a soft knock on our apartment door, which Katie hurried away from her mother to open, revealing a disheveled Clarissa and a worried Kendall. Something must be really wrong, because Kendall was almost never worried- that was always me. But the way his blonde hair fell just above his eyes was cute. Wait . . . what? No, there was no way in hell I was attracted to Kendall! We were both guys! Maybe it was just because he was my best friend. . . Or I was high off something.

"What happened to you?" Katie asked rudely of Kendall's worried expression.

"A lot," Clarissa answered for him, turning to his mother kindly, "Uhm, Mrs. Knight, would you mind giving me a ride somewhere?"

"Of course," She replied, "Where?"

"The Los Angeles police station," Stated as calmly as if she were announcing the weather.

"My dad works there!" Carlos interrupted.

"I know," Clarissa stated dryly, "He arrested my dad this morning."

(Carlos' POV)

"WHAT?" Everyone in the room shouted simultaneously.

"What did he do?" I dared to ask, bracing myself by putting my helmet on again.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," Clarissa looked downcast.

"Of course we can drive you, honey," Mrs. Knight answered, Clarissa turning away from everyone, her shoulders shaking. I felt tears sprinkle my eyes. I mean, no one's life had been easy, but I couldn't only imagine the hell Clarissa had gone through. I mean, for god's sake, my _Dad_ was the one who arrested hers. Everyone grouped themselves around the girl, holding her softly as she cried, "When you're finished crying, we can all get in my rental car and go." Mrs. Knight's matter-of-fact tone seemed out-of-place for the current situation, but no one commented.

"O-okay," Clarissa nodded, wiping tears from her cheeks, "But mind if I get some bail money first?"

"Don't you need a lawyer to bail someone out of jail?" Logan asked. Clarissa actually smiled at his comment.

"Not if you've been arrested as many times as my Dad has. A lawyer's just a waste of time and everyone down there knows it," She smirked.

(The Police Station, Clarissa's POV)

An uncomfortable sense of familiarity washed over me as Mrs. Knight's van pulled up outside the white building I had been inside of numerous times over the years. I was sitting closest to the door, next to Kendall, so we both got out at the same time, and I reached for his hand, trying to find some security in his heat. That was honestly what I needed right now. I would have been fine if Carlos hadn't come, seeing as his dad was the one who arrested mine, there were many awkward silences as we walked into the building.

"Hey Ted," I greeted the young man at the front desk with a halfhearted smile. He was one of the security guards as well as an officer, but whenever I came in he always treated me with respect and sympathy, "How much to get Dad out this time?"

"Same charges?" He asked, though he already knew the answer, turning to his computer.

"Duh."

"A thousand even." Damn. I only had at the most half that, and I doubt I could ask any of Big Time Rush or Mrs. Knight for the money. I pursed my lips and asked if I could talk to my dad, "Sure, you know where to go." He pointed down the hallway, everyone shuffling along behind me quietly. Carlos and Logan were talking amongst themselves, while James was looking in a hand-held mirror, wiping some nervous sweat off his brow. Damn, he looked cute. But a light squeeze of my hand from Kendall's kept my eyes forward, to the orange-jumpsuit clad man sitting on the opposite side of a glass window, a corded phone the only connection between them. I shook off Kendall's hand and sat down, shifting comfortably.

"Dad, you promised this wouldn't happen again," I scolded him before he had a chance to open his mouth.

"I'm sorry Clarissa, I tried, you _know_ I did," He seemed disheartened, as if this arrest really affected him. As if it was any different than the others.

"Like hell you did!" I exclaimed angrily, hot tears streaming down my face. I felt a hand on either of my shoulders, one from Mrs. Knight and the either from . . . James? Kendall was standing, back against the wall, staring off into soak, his mind on god-knows what topic, "Face it, Dad . . . Maybe it's better if you, you know, stayed here."

"Honey, sweetie, please. . ." His eyes were begging. He hated being here as much as I did. The only difference was that once I hung up the phone, I could walk free in the streets while he could do nothing but sit in a cold, dry cell. He lowered his voice as he continued speaking, "I have enough cash back in our apartment for the next three arrests, even more." I took in a deep breath, feeling the grips on my shoulder tighten.

"Fine, this time _will_ be the last, though. Next time, find your own damn jail breaker," I hung up the phone with a fierce sense of finality, nearly knocking over the chair as I stood up.

(Back at the Palm Woods)

"Thanks again for driving me, Mrs. Knight," I thanked her for the millionth time that afternoon.

"Any time you need it," She smiled sweetly, and she was so sincere I could have started crying again, but I swallowed back my tears. I turned to my friends, all of whom seemed a bit shaken up by our jail visit.

"Well, _if_ you don't mind, I'd like to go unwind by the pool. . ." Logan brushed past me lightly, and I thought I saw a faint blush creep up his cheeks as he passed Kendall, but I couldn't be sure, so I decided to ignore it for now.

"Fine by me," I shrugged.

"Me, too," Carlos put his helmet neatly on the couch.

"Yeah," James sighed, running his fingers through his hair, grabbing a soft white towel on his way out the door. Kendall's moth checked her watch.

"Oh, dear it seems I have to go buy groceries," She announced, "Will you two be all right here by yourselves?" She asked us. I didn't bother to ask where Katie had disappeared to; she was probably beating someone's ass at poker down by the pool. I looked over at Kendall, biting my lip nervously.

"We'll be fine, Mom," He assured her, and she took her purse and left us to our defenses. As soon as the apartment door clicked shut, I felt Kendall's lips press gently against my own.

"Not to be rude, but what the hell?" My eyes widened at the kiss.

"You just seemed like you needed that," He answered sweetly. I smiled, touching my lips lightly.

"Thanks." Before anything else could happen, Kendall's phone buzzed, signaling he got a text from someone. Logan. The text read: I forgot my towel, can you get it for me and leave it by the door? Thanks, be up in a minute.

"Logan always insists on proper grammar when texting," Kendall smiled.

"You really like him, don't you?"

"Well . . ." He blushed, "Yes." And he went to Logan's room to get his towel for him when he arrived. When he came back, I told him, plain and simple:

"Kiss me again."

"What? Why?" He asked stupidly.

"Because Logan's coming back, dip shit. Do you want him jealous or not?" I put my hands on my hips.

"Yeah . . ."

"So kiss me!" I demanded, and Kendall rested a hand on my cheek, pulling me in close. Our lips let, and I could taste his sweet, addicting lips against mine. Our lips moved together for a moment, before his tongue grazed my bottom lip, asking for access. My hand fell to his hip and I pulled him closer, parting my lipstick-stained mouth in answer. I didn't feel any spark, any connection at all other than simple friendliness, and I assumed he felt it too, but nonetheless we still kissed, our tongues dancing against each other, the tastes both sweet and salty.

We broke apart only when the apartment door swung open, revealing a flustered Logan grabbing his towel and muttering words I couldn't fully understand, but I heard the jealousy dripping like poison from his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five.**

**Enjoy!**

**Reviews are love!**

**I own Clarissa and her dad**

(Logan's POV)

I swung the apartment door open, hoping simply to grab my towel and continue on my way back down to the pool. Instead, I opened the door to find Kendall and Clarissa pressed up against each other, looking as if they were, for lack of a better term, eating each other's faces. When they saw I had entered the room, Clarissa shoved herself off of Kendall' blushing scarlet. My head spun with a million different emotions, and I muttered some incoherent words as I grabbed my towel and fled the room, feeling the heat spreading across my face.

When I reached the lobby of the Palm Woods, my head was swimming with a million emotions and I needed to sit down to try and sort them all out. I needed to think this out logically, piece be piece. So I tried that, identifying my emotions one at a time. Anger, for Kendall was making a mistake and moving too fast; sadness, because I had never made out with someone before and now Kendall had. And… Jealousy? Yes, I was jealous, but of who? An image of Clarissa entered my mind, and a small flame of ager grew in my chest, then a pang of sympathy, remembering her angry tears as she slammed the phone down on her father in the police station. No, I wasn't jealous of her. But then, that would mean I was jealous of Kendal… A clear picture of him formed in my mind's eye, and my heart began to beat a little faster, my cheeks growing warm. I wanted to just take him out of my mind and right down in front of me and pull his lips onto mine.

So, I liked Kendall? Yes, 100% chance yes. But, did he like me? I wouldn't think so, it was illogical, because he was going out with Clarissa. Since when was I gay, anyway? I thought back to my child hood, to never really noticing girls, to finding more interest in other boys. I suppose I always was. But what would Gustavo say? Kendall? Clarissa?

Kendall might reject me. I couldn't be willing to take that chance. So I wouldn't tell him. All right, that solves that problem. But there was still the problem of Clarissa being his girlfriend. And James having a major (and obvious) crush on her… Man, this was confusing!

(Clarissa's POV)

"So?" I commented eagerly, trying to prod some sort of reaction out of my 'boyfriend'. We were sitting close together on the couch, his arm slung around the back of my seat.

"'So' what?" Kendall shrugged, still staring at the door, trying to make his eyes follow the person he really wanted down to the pool.

"_So_, do you think it worked?" I sighed, expecting the question to be obvious.

"I don't know, it might have. We'll see how Logan acts around us after this," He explained.

"Wait, 'we'?" I was confused.

"Yeah, 'we'. Your Dad got arrested, Clarissa! You can't stay in your apartment alone!"

"Why not," I shrugged, "I do it all the time."

"But now you have somewhere else to go. You don't have to be alone anymore," Kendall pulled me a little closer to him, so my blue hair was brushing his chest, "We're here for you." I couldn't remember the last time anyone, _anyone_, had said that to me with such sincerity. It made me want to cry.

"Are you sure your mom, and the rest of the band, would be okay with that?" I bit my lip nervously. I hated feeling like I was barging in on their lives, bringing it to an abrupt halt and twisting it around. God, this was so complicated.

"They will be fine with it! Stop worrying, Log- _Clarissa!_ I meant Clarissa, I'm sorry," He stammered, blushing. I rolled my eyes, using my elbow to prop myself up.

"It's fine," I smirked, "Why don't you go talk to him?"

"He won't want to see me," Kendall scowled miserably.

"Well, he'll have to when the evening comes. Can you hold out until then?" I asked politely.

"Sure," He smiled, and before I stood up, I bent over and kissed him on the cheek. He blushed again, surprised, "What was that for?"

"Just because," I smiled, pushing back the heavy thoughts weighing on the front of my mind. With that, I got up and left the apartment, pushing the key of 2K intuit he lock, opening up the door to reveal my near-empty room.

I rummaged through on of my bag, my hand plummeting toward the bottom immediately, trying to find the thing I was looking for. Wait a minute, stop. Why are you doing this? Because Dad got arrested? Because you're alone? But you're not alone any more. You don't have to do this.

'_But I want to,'_ I thought against myself, finding the sleek knife by a sharp stab in my hand. I wrapped my fingers around it, digging it out of the bag and wiping the few drops of blood off my hand. My heart began to pound, and I glanced at the door handle nervously, expecting someone to burst through the door at that very second. But when no one came, I continued with what I sought to do.

I held the knife against the thin skin of my wrist, feeling it's perpetually sharp, cool blade press down, the pain reaching from a dull ache to a sharp sting as the knife etched itself into my skin, little red droplets budding out of the wound. It hurt a lot more than I remembered, of course it would. Anyone who told you otherwise was a liar. It always hurt. Always.

I repeated the motion again, making several more straight cuts across my wrist. Then, I did a small heart shape on a patch of skin right below the outward side of my thumb. I had to drag the knife down a bit harder to get the shape right, and the blood drops were met more deeply in the skin. The pain began to simmer and boil, shooting up my arm in a streak of liquid red. I wiped the blood off the knife on my shirt, closing the knife and burying it back into my bag. I let the lingering pain wash over me, filling me up, draining me of all my emotions. All my thoughts of my dad and Kendall and Logan and James and Carlos and Officer Garcia just disappeared as I focused on the high-pitched pain running down my hand.

With a loud bang, my apartment door flew open, snapping me back to reality with a disheveled face of James, who was clad only in a very wet swimsuit, standing into doorway. My eyes just opened wide, my heart pounding and adrenaline racing. I didn't even bother to hide my wrist from him, he would find out anyway; I knew from experience.

"Clarissa," He breathed, staring at the red stain on the top of my backpack I had caused, whatever it was he was going to say was immediately lost.

"What?" I spat icily. I was in no mood for this. I felt the familiar feeling of depression creeping into my mind, much like the feeling you get when you put your head under in boiling hot water, only this was inside my head instead of out, and the emotions clouded my judgment and made me hate myself. I didn't mind the feeling any more, I strived on it, actually.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" He was frantic. He pulled out a thin black comb from the back pocket of his swimsuit and began combing his dripping hair over to one side of his head.

"Why do you care?" I snapped, my voice now fire instead of ice. James' face softened and he came over to me, sitting himself down, his bare chest close to mine.

"Because I care about you," His voice was sweet. Even the way he moved his lips was gentle, "And you don't look good with bloody wrists."

"Like you'd understand," I snubbed him, turning away, "You're Mister Perfect, handsome, in a band, with twenty girls falling all over you wherever you go!" What James did next surprised me: he grabbed my stinging wrist as gently as he could, and brought it to his lips, the pain melting away at his touch. No, no, no. I wanted the pain back. I needed it.

"I would understand better than you'd think," When he spoke, I noticed small droplets of blood pressing more color into his already full, pink lips, "Do you want to know why I always want to look great?" I nodded curiously. I never really thought about it, I just assumed he liked looking great just to look great, "It was because of my parents. They were always telling me how ugly I was, how worthless. How I would never do anything or be anybody." I understood immediately.

"So you wanted to be famous? To spite them, and to become 'somebody'," I finished for him. He nodded, turning his wrist over, revealing a very faint, long-healing array of white and pink bumps across his skin. There were some shapes among the scars, letters, I realized, spelling out a phrase I could never forget for the rest of my life: _I AM BEAUTIFUL, _his wrist read.

"I made sure I was always looking gorgeous, so I could come back home one day and laugh," James smiled.

"If I ever wanted to laugh at my mother, I'd have to hunt her down first," I sneered at the thought.

"Hey," James' voice was still gentle, "Don't think about that right now." His fingers intertwined with mine, "Don't feel the pain, block it out. Let it go," He crooned, and we shifted around until we were lying on the floor together, my head resting lightly on his neck, our hands woven together, "All you need to focus on-" He kissed me on the forehead softly "-is this."

"You know," I whispered after a long, peaceful silence, "I don't think Kendall and I are going to work out."

**End Chapter Five.**

**Sorry about the lack of Kogan in this chapter, the next chapter will be ALL Kogan :D**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

(Kendall's POV)

Clarissa's been sleeping on our couch for about a week or so. We had supposedly 'broke up' a day after she began staying here, so whenever anyone else was in the room with us, we pretended it was awkward or we hated each other. We had made a big fake argument about it one time, when I had completely accidentally knocked her glass over at dinner once, and she complained about how careless I was, and we went off from there.

After dinner that night, James had come to comfort her, while my mom came for me. I had really wanted Logan, but he had been avoiding us for some time now. Of course, he had to show up for rehearsals and Gustavo didn't think it was very 'professional' for Logan to show up without the rest of us, so we had to come with him them, but that never meant he had to interact with us. Me, specifically. I really hated him ignoring me, so tonight I decided I would corner him and force him to talk to me.

My chance came after dinner, as everyone was getting ready for bed. It was Saturday, so we didn't have to get up early for band practice the next day, so Mrs. Knight let us stay up as late as we wanted, which was never far past midnight or so. Speaking of Mrs. Knight, she and Katie were already sound asleep in bed, seeing as it was almost eleven thirty.

When Logan came back from the pool, Clarissa was over in her real apartment getting changed, and Carlos and James were in the bathroom brushing their teeth. If it had been anyone else I would have been worried about them coming out too soon, but with Carlos and James it would easily devolve into a toothpaste war that destroyed half the bathroom, anyway.

"Logan," I called his name kindly, but he ignored me, so I walked over to him in three short strides, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure," His voice was biting despite his bland tone. We moved over to the couch and sat down, and I shuffled awkwardly, "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Why haven't you been talking to me for the past week?" I asked openly, Logan's eyes widening at the out-of-the-blue question.

"Because, I…" He began in a matter-of-fact tone, but he trailed off as his words became lost in the silence, "I don't know," He admitted, "I just needed some time to think, sort some stuff out, you know?" He smiled up at me sheepishly. I swear, my heart melted at the sight of him.

"Well, have you sorted those 'things' out?" I tried to be subtle in moving a little closer to him, but he must have noticed, because I was absolutely horrible at being subtle. However, seeing as he did nothing to push me away, I assumed he either didn't notice or didn't really mind. I took my chances and decided it was the latter.

"Y-yeah. . ." He turned away, a heavy blush forming on his cheeks. He was cute when he blushed.

"And? What did you figure out?" I'm sure I sounded like Clarissa, egging on the conversation to try and get him to tell me something he was hiding.

"Well, you see, Kendall, I . . . I was thinking about it, and . . ." He turned towards me, still blushing. The next second, I wasn't exactly sure what happened next, whether I moved first or he did. One second, I was staring into his adorable eyes, leaning a little bit closer to him, and the next, I felt his lips crash onto mine. Oh god, he was kissing me!

I kissed him back hungrily, our lips moving together for all of three seconds before one of us, I'm not sure who, broke apart. It took us both a few seconds to process what had just happened, and when he did, Logan touched his fingertips to his lips.

"What were you thinking about, again?" I smiled a sexy smiled I saved only for him.

"I was thinking-" He kissed me again "- that I like you."

"Well isn't that a coincidence? I like you too," I couldn't help but smile, "When did you realize…?"

"Well, I guess when you were going out with Clarissa, which I still think was a terrible idea," He answered almost immediately.

"Clarissa's not that bad," I defended.

"I know, but I was jealous," He admitted, looking down and blushing.

"Aww," I blushed as well, "You're cute when you blush, Logie." He didn't have time to reply, because I pulled him closer and kissed him again. He was addictingly sweet.

Our lips moved together again, but this time as we kissed deeper, I was suddenly conscious of how far back in my mouth my tongue was. My tongue wormed it's way to the edge of Logan's lips, asking for access. He let me in hesitantly, and instantly his sweet taste was overwhelming. But I wanted more, I needed more. I felt his hand on the bottom of my tee-shirt, beginning to snake it's way up my chest.

"Later," I muttered, breaking apart our kiss for only a second. I heard a loud smash coming from the bathroom, startling both Logan and I as we jumped apart. James and Carlos stumbled out of the bathroom, both covered in toothpaste from head to foot. Carlos was wearing his hockey helmet, that had toothpaste seeping out it's sides.

"What happened with you two?" Logan asked, smiling.

"Toothpaste war!" Carlos yelled excitedly. I rolled my eyes and he and James began wiping the toothpaste off themselves. A knock on the door, followed by a broken 'let me in.' Logan walk-jogged over to the door, opening it hastily to see Clarissa standing in front of a man with a stubbly beard and unkept, graying hair. It was her father, I recognized from the jail trip. I guess she had bailed him out after all.

"Hey guys," Clarissa smiled meekly, "Uh, my dad's back, so I guess I won't have to stay with you any more." James and Carlos looked disappointed, while I forced a smile and a sneer in her direction. Logan remained stone-faced.

"Yes, erm, you were the boys Clarissa was staying with while I was -ahem- _away_?" Her father asked, clearly nervous.

"Yes, we were, and we're glad to see you back on your feet," I forced a shaky smile.

"All right, cool. Well That's really it," Clarissa was hasty with her exit, pausing only to smile in James' direction. After she had gone, Carlos stretched, removing is helmet and resting it on the kitchen table.

"Well, I'm off to bed," He announced perkily, James following behind him sullenly. It felt weird without Clarissa here, she had practically become part of the family in the past week. As soon as their bedroom door clicked shut, I felt Logan press his body up close to mine despite that only a moment ago he was practically on the other side of the room.

"Now," He purred seductively, sliding his hand up my shirt, to my stomach, "Where were we?" I pulled him over to the couch, pinning his shoulders down easily. I kissed him lightly on the cheek, nipping his ear as I did so.

"We were right here," I smiled, tugging his shirt off over his head. His bare chest was rising and falling evenly, and I felt him wrap his arms around me, listening to my heart beat faster every time he moved. This moment was perfect. I never wanted it to end.

"You're fun to cuddle with," Logan whispered in my hear, his hot breath tickling my cheek as his hand hand moved up and down my back, my shirt wrinkling as he did so. I wormed my way down beside him, loving how it felt to hold him close to me.

"You are too," I couldn't help but smile, "Hey, Logan…?" I started nervously, unsure of whether or not I should ask my question so soon.

"Yes, Ken-doll?" He murmured, his eyes closing and his breathing becoming more deep and steady.

"May I call you mine?" I whispered, Logan resting in my arms, slipping off into his own dreamland.

"Yes," He breathed as he fell asleep quietly, his head resting on my chest. I loved Logan. No, this was more than love. This was _perfection. _All my thoughts previously disappeared as I stared at the sleeping boy beside me.

If only I would have known that, with the arrival of Clarissa's father, everything would come crashing down.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

**I own Clarissa and her dad. That's all.**

**Clarissa's POV**

"But Dad," I argued, "Why can't I stay with them? At this rate, you'll be back in jail by next week." We were back in our apartment, both my father and I standing with anger in our eyes, trying to win this un-winable battle

"You don't know that," He fought back. I glared at the ground, biting back the words that were threatening to break through my lips. I sighed and lay down on my bed indignantly. When I knew my dad wasn't looking, I glanced at my wrist, and the dark red drops that I had spilled from under the skin not a day ago. I hid them from James; I knew he would have gotten mad if he saw them, especially because of his own scars.

"Clarissa," My dad's firm voice from over my shoulder scared me and I jumped up. His eyes were hard, though filled with compassion, "What happened to your wrist?"

"I-it's nothing," I stammered. Damn, I knew he heard my slip up.

"What happened?" He demanded, his voice as hard as his eyes. I looked down, avoiding his gaze. I wished with all my heart that I would have worn a wristband today, but I knew I couldn't change the past.

"I. . . I. . ." I tried to make my lips form words, but they just couldn't, instead the words I wanted to say, to assure my father I was all right, were drowned by the angry words that exploded out of my mouth without my conscious thought: "Like you care, anyway!" Dad looked shocked, but he let me continue, "Dad, all my life, you've been in and out of jail. My mother- I _know_ she was a prostitute, no matter what you've told me- she's never been around, so I've had to grow up almost completely on my own. I had no friends, even though you've never been sober or out of jail enough to know that. But then, you let me move here. And, I know you got arrested, but because of that, I've made _friends._ I've found people I love who fully accept me for who I am." I finished, light tears slipping down my cheeks as I spoke. Without a word, my father wrapped me in a hug, my head to his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

"I'm sorry, Clarissa. I really am. I'm sorry I've never been around enough to really raise you. I love you," He whispered, and I could almost hear the tears spilling over his eyelids.

"I… I know,"I couldn't bring myself to say 'I love you' in return, "I know you're sorry."

"Would you like to live with those boys again? Permanently?" He asked suddenly.

"What? But . . . what about you? I mean, the next time-" I spluttered, but he cut me off.

"Like you said… Maybe it's time I stay in jail," He laughed darkly, "I've made some good cellmates over the years. They'll be sure to miss me."

"W-what about when they let you out?"

"Clarissa, is it wasn't for you, I would never be let out with _my_ records." I couldn't help but laugh at the horrible irony.

"Would you really let me stay?" I asked meekly, feeling much like a small child asking for permission to sleepover for the first time.

"Of course, Clarissa."

"Well . . . then I'd better go tell them," I smiled through my tears, hugging my father a little closer, trying to put all my unspoken emotions into that hug, "Thanks, Dad." I forced a smile as I closed the apartment door behind me.

I didn't bother to knock on the boy's apartment door, I just walked on in, to see Kendall lying not he couch, with his arm wrapped protectively around a shirtless, sleeping Logan. When Kendall heard the door open, he turned his head to face me, careful not to wake Logan up.

"Aww," I teased, "What's going on here?"

"Logan and I are going out," Kendall stated matter-of-factly. My tear-stained eyes lit up.

"'Bout damn time!" I couldn't help but smile at the light in Kendall's eyes, "Oh, erm, yeah I bet you're wondering why I'm here. Well yeah Dad's letting me stay here since we all know too effing well he's going to get arrested again by next week." I choked out. I loved my dad. He loved me. It was all so confusing, growing up one way and then within the course of two weeks have that all be shattered around you. I barely knew what to do anymore. But my friends were always there to help me, I knew that. Well, my friends and the comforting sting of the blade…

"That's awesome," Kendall smiled, shifting around so he could take his arm out from under Logan, rathe reluctantly. He must have seen something else in my eyes, because he furrowed his brow, "Are you okay?"

"Huh?" I was staring at James' bedroom door, wondering if he was thinking about me, too, "Yeah, I'm fine." He stole a glance at my wrists, that were still caked with dry blood, "Oh God. Clarissa, what happened?" Crap. Shit. Eff.

"I . . .-" I bit my lip, not wanting to explain again what I had done, "- I've done nothing James' hasn't done." I had no idea if the rest of the band knew about James' cutting or not, but I didn't really care. What surprised me was the shock on Kendall's face and what he said next:

"James tried to kill himself a few years back!" He was scared. No- terrified. We both settled down as we saw Logan stir, his eyes opening just slightly, staring right at me. He blinked in surprise and sat up, looked embarrassed and confused.

"Whazzamatter?" He mumbled sleepily, rubbing his eyes. He caught Kendall's quick glance at my wrist, and followed his eyes, but I turned my wrist to face my stomach before he could see what I had done to myself.

"We're . . . talking about James," Kendall let a sigh escape from his lips.

"Oh," Logan bit back light tears that were clouding his eyes. Kendall turned towards me again, looking sympathetic as well as nervous.

"Logan . . . Logan was the first to visit James in the hospital after he . . . well, you know," the blonde shrugged, "Carlos was the one who found him. He had been unconscious and . . . covered in blood…" It was Kendall's turn to bite back a sob. Without thinking, Logan took his hand and squeezed it comfortingly, before remembering I was here and shook it off, "Logan, it's okay. She knows we're . . ." He paused, as if he couldn't even believe what he was saying was true, "together." Logan looked surprised but he smiled sweetly, his eyes flitting from me to his boyfriend. He took Kendall's hand again, squeezing it reassuringly. Logan and Kendall locked gazes, both with a hint of longing in their eyes.

"You two can kiss, I don't mind," I assured them, and almost before I finished speaking, their lips were locked together, moving together as if they would never have the chance again. I smiled crookedly at them, looking from boy to boy, to my wrist, to the bedroom door, to their lips, to anywhere else, "You two are so cute!" I teased them, "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to get my stuff so I can move in with you." The boys broke apart for all of two seconds for them both to say, "Okay, bye." before resuming making out on the brightly colored couch.

Quietly, I slipped back into my apartment, to find my dad lying on the floor, his drugs in messy piles around him. I greeted him with an emotionless nod, grabbed my bag and left him to his defenses.

I stood in the emote hallway, my heart racing, and I pulled the blade out of my bag before I sprinted down the hall. Goodbye. Goodbye.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

**I own Clarissa. SOOOO sorry for the lack of updating!**

(James' POV)

When I came out of Carlos' and my shared bedroom, I caught Kendall and Logan on the couch, their lips pressed against each others, moving together slowly and sweetly.

"Aww," I teased, and the two boys jumped apart, "What's going on here?"

"Uhh…" Neither one of them had an answer.

"Hey, I'm perfectly okay if you two are going out," I assured them with a crooked grin. Relief washed over their faces as they locked their hands and lips back together, "Hey, hey hey! I said I didn't mind. I didn't say I wanted you two to freaking make out in front of me!" I laughed, and they broke apart, looking embarrassed, but they grinned as well.

"Darn, that ruins our plan to make you fee all awkward," Kendall sighed, in faux-exasperation.

"Well, it already worked." I glanced around the room, noticing an upsetting lack of a certain blue-haired girl, "Where's Clarissa?" I asked.

"She left to go get her bags…" Kendall's brunette boyfriend answered matter-of-factly, "But…" His brow furrowed, "That was a long time ago." Shit. Shit shit shit. My thoughts immediately flew to the knife buried at the bottom of her backpack.

Without a word, I flew out of the room and banged my sweating fists on her door. There was no answer. My heart began to pound beneath my chest. I called out her name in desperation. Almost immediately afterwards, I felt my cellphone vibrating on my hip. My hands shaking, I saw Clarissa's name on my caller ID.

"Clarissa! Where the hell are you?" I demanded, my voice more worried than angry at this point. I didn't hear a reply, though, I just heard her crackling tears, static, and the unmistakable _shiny, shing_, of a blade piercing the skin.

"Lobby."

(Clarissa's POV)

My phone fell from my hands and tears poured out of my eyes. I couldn't see straight in front of me, but then again, I didn't need to. I knew where my knife was, and I knew where my wrist was. The blade was cool, and sharp, and so purely, indescribably metal. It stung as I drove it into my skin, immediately drawing blood. Lightly, with the edge of the blade, I traced over the veins running down the length of my arm. They never went right down the middle, I learned from my father's, erm, customers, rather off to the sides and around. I traced the veins again, deeper and further down my arm. I had a nice, six-inch wound now. The blood, the veins, they were just lying there, under the skin, pulsing, beating, waiting. I had to reach them. I needed to reach them. This is what I wanted. This is where it was going to end.

I was covered in my own blood now. It dripped down and stained the only white shirt I owned. The pain was overwhelming now. My head started to throb and black spots faded in in front of my eyes, though they were hardly distinguishable in the dark. My head was growing light. My stomach churned, and I felt as if I was going to puke. Everything inside was going to spill over the edge. Finally, finally, finally. All I had to do was just sit back… Let the pain consume my body, my soul, my every drop of life. I smiled. I was almost… Almost… gone… Almost free… almost… I was -so- close… I could almost… taste it.

"Clarissa!" I recognized James' voice almost immediately, reaching out to me through the darkness. My pain began to subside, to melt away at the sound. No, no! With the last scrap of energy I had left, I dug the blade farther, farther down my forearm.

"I'm sorry, James. This is what I want," My voice was hardly a whisper.

"No… Clarissa… No…" He was sobbing, I could almost hear the tears spilling out of his eyes. "Please… No…" I felt pressure on my lips, for only a moment. Why was I still here? Why… Can't… I… Die? The pressure was James' own lips. Everything went black. Finally. I'm free.

(James' POV)

"No!" I saw Clarissa lose consciousness. "Someone! SOMEBODY! HEY! SOMEBODY!" I went ballistic. I couldn't think straight. This girl, this beautiful, amazing girl… She was dying. I had to do something. I groped around my pockets for my phone. I just had it! Where did it go? No, no, no! In my searching, I grazed over another object, which I assumed was Clarissa's phone. My heart pounded so fast I could hear it. I flipped open the cell and dialed 911.

"God, Clarissa, please… Don't leave me…"

(Kendall's POV)

I was nearly two o'clock in the morning. Everyone: Katie, my mom, Logan, Carlos, and James, were sitting in the emergency waiting room. James was pacing frantically, his brow furrowed and he was sweating. Katie and Mom were asleep, and the rest of us were sitting in the chairs, watching James, waiting, hoping, praying. Carlos had his helmet on, perched tightly atop his head, and Logan was gripping my hand so tightly it went numb.

"God, I probably look horrible right now," I heard James mutter. He checked his watch. Staring intently at his wrist. Wait, his watch wasn't upside down… What?

"James…" My voice was soft, gentle, despite the horror and anticipation everyone was feeling, "Show me your wrist."

"This… Isn't the time," Logan urged, "We need to make sure Clari-" At that moment, a female in a white lab coat came over to us, holding a clipboard.

"Well, it looks like your friend going to be okay," Her voice was like music to everyone, "You got to her just in time."

"Thank God!" James nearly shouted. We heard Mom and Katie stir.

"What's going on?" Mom asked the nurse, to which James relayed the information, his eyes shining.

"Can… We see her?" Carlos asked the question burning on everyone's tongues.

"Well…" The nurse looked hesitant, as if she didn't want to give us the real answer, "Okay. But not for very long. She lost a lot of blood and she needs rest. She'll probably be asleep when you go in." She explained. On the ambulance ride here, Logan calculated that, depending on how much blood she lost, she could be here anywhere from overnight to the next week.

We all shuffled into the room the nurse had lead us to, with James in the lead. Sure enough, Clarissa was lying in the bed, the sheets rising and falling evenly on her chest. There was an IV in her unmarred arm, and a heart monitor beating evenly. At this point, there were also tears in everyone's eyes.

No surprise, James was the first one to go over to her. He took her hand, the skin stained with her own blood, and gripped it tightly. She was pale, really pale, though as their skin made contact, the heart monitor sped up a fraction. She could feel, she could hear. Thank God.

"Clarissa," His voice, though a whisper, was somehow heard by everyone in the room, "Please… I know what this is like… If you can hear me, then please listen. This… depression, suicide, cutting… It's not worth it. You should have learned that. We _love_ you, Clarissa. I… I love you… Please… please be okay. Not just for us, but for yourself. You're strong, you're beautiful, you're amazing… Please…" His voice broke on the last word, tears spilling over his eyes again, salty and hot, onto his cheeks, the pillow, the sheets, finally to the young girl's wrist. Even though we all knew it was coming, it was still a bit of a surprise to us when we saw James lean close and kiss the unconscious girl on the lips, resting his own on hers for merely a second.

"Please, be okay." We all murmured, bring ourselves closer to the two. With tears in our eyes, the nurse then announced that we had to leave, as her patient needed rest.

"Good night."

It wasn't until the next morning that we all realized to whom the voice belonged: Clarissa.

**END CHAPTER 8**

jiojo


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine!**

**Ooh what's gonna happen next, I wonder?**

**(Yes, I've had experience with suicide. Shut up.)**

(Clarissa's POV)

Light. Bright, pure, white. _Am I dead? Heaven? No way. Hell? Maybe._ Pain. Stabbing pain, from my wrist to me arm to my head to everywhere on my body. _No, not dead. Fuck. Why, damn it! Why can't I finally get what I want? Why. Can't. I. DIE?_ It was then I realized my eyelids were weighing down on my eyes, and it took a tremendous amount of effort to get them pried open.

There was a heart monitor by my side and a dull ache in my forearm. With more effort than I thought it would take, I glanced down at my arm. There were deep scars there, across my wrist and down my arm. Damn, I didn't know I had really done that much. Wait, how did I get here anyway?_James._ He… He must have…

My mind exploded with memories of last night, or what I assumed was last night, from the lobby to the knife to him screaming my name, to… his lips, pressing firmly against mine.

"Oh God… Oh God…" I found the strength to mutter again and again. I have to get out of here. At the thought, the heart monitor sped up, and my head began to grow light again.

I fell back onto the pillow, not realizing I had even sat up, as a nurse walked in.

"Hello, dearie. How are you feeling?" Her voice was gentle, soft.

"I… I'm weak. Jesus, how much… blood did I lose?"

"A lot. But you'll regain your strength back in a day or two."

"Thank God… Is- Has anyone come to see me?" I asked, curiously. The last time I was here, which was close to two years ago now, only Dad's parole officer had come in, to tell me he had been arrested again.

"Yes, Um," She glanced down at her clipboard, "-James, Kendall, Logan, and Carlos." I smiled, "That James fellow comes here every day to check up on you. Is he your boyfriend?"

"Yes," I blush. Every day? Wow…

"And, erm, are… Kendall and Logan…?" She didn't need to finish her question, and was clearly too embarrassed to do so anyhow.

"Yes. I think they're adorable," I nodded defensively.

"Yes, well, you need your rest. I'm sure-" She proclaimed with a wink, "-James will be here soon. It's almost three in the afternoon." Jesus! I glanced at a clock on the wall behind her. Huh, I guess it was.

For the next hour or so, I flipped through the television channels, ate crappy hospital food, and dozed off a couple times. After what seemed like an eternity, James walked through the door, holding a bouquet of blue and white flowers. He was wearing a gray tie, white button-up shirt, and dark grey slacks.

"Hey," He grinned nervously, "I bet I look horrible right now…" His hair was disheveled and falling in his face, and he was clearly nervous as fuck.

"You look fine," I assured him with a blush.

"Oh, sorry I'm late. I would have been here sooner but Gustavo made us stay late to rehearse," He explained, and glanced down at the flowers in his hand, "Uh, these… these are for you…"He held out the flowers.

"Well, isn't someone nervous?" I teased, as he set them down on the bed, by my feet, "Hey, don't I get a hug?" Almost immediately, he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, as best he could due to the IV and all the wires. I grin, loving the way his body felt against mine. Carefully, my hand snakes to his chest, grips onto his tie, and pulls his lips to mine.

"Thank you," I whisper the moment before our lips collide. I could have swore there was an explosion between us, the passion between our lips growing as his lips loved under mine. Before it could go any further, I broke the kiss, licking my lips slowly. As he looked at me, his expression fell.

"Clarissa… Why… Why did you… Damn it, why are you even in here?" He demanded, his eyes filling with tears.

"I just… wanted… to end… everything…" I answered slowly. Why had I done it, anyway? I honestly didn't know.

"Clarissa…" He breathed, "Please… don't… I… I love you…" The heart monitor faltered.

"You… what? You…" I couldn't speak, so I pulled him in for another kiss.

_I love you, too._


End file.
